A Bad Moment Does Not Have to Become a Bad Day

A simple reset after 50

By Rick Osborn

Someone is rude to you, and three hours later you're still having the conversation in your head. Or you say no to something you don't want to do, then spend the afternoon wondering whether you should have said yes.

The moment itself may be over. Your attention is still there.

In my recent video, I talked about five things I'm not letting ruin my day after 50: someone else's rudeness, saying no, not being invited, comparison, and problems I've only imagined. The harder question is what to do when one of those things has already gotten under your skin.

You don't have to pretend you're fine. You can be bothered and still decide what gets the rest of your day. Here's a simple way to begin.

Get specific about what happened

Before deciding that the whole day is ruined, put the actual event into one sentence. Keep it as plain as possible.

“I saw a photograph of a gathering I wasn't invited to.”

That's what happened. “Nobody wants me around” is a conclusion you might draw from it. It may feel convincing, but the photograph alone doesn't tell you that.

This is a hypothetical example, but you can use the same distinction with a short text, a sharp tone, or a conversation that didn't go as you'd hoped. Ask yourself: What do I know, and what am I filling in?

You may still feel hurt. Giving yourself a more accurate description simply leaves room for something besides the worst explanation.

Decide whether something needs your attention

Sometimes there is something to address. Someone has crossed a boundary. An arrangement needs to change. You need to ask a question rather than keep guessing.

Other times, you've already done what needed doing. You gave an honest no. You explained yourself clearly. The next step may be allowing another person to have a reaction without reopening your decision.

Try these questions:

• Is there a specific action I can take?

• Does it need to happen now?

• If it can wait, when will I come back to it?

For the gathering example, perhaps this is a close friend and you want to ask about it. You could decide to talk tomorrow, when you can be curious rather than accusatory. Or perhaps you realize you don't have enough information to make the photograph a verdict on your friendship.

Repeated disrespect deserves attention. You don't have to talk yourself out of recognizing a pattern. The point is to choose a useful response instead of spending the afternoon rehearsing one.

Give the next ten minutes a job

Once you've decided what the situation needs, choose one thing you want to do with the next ten minutes. Something small enough to begin while you're still annoyed.

You might take a short walk, return to the meal you were making, or work on the project you had planned before the interruption. Choose something that matters to you, rather than another hour of checking whether someone has replied.

I understand this through painting. Many times, I stand in front of a canvas without knowing exactly what I'm going to paint. The picture doesn't appear while I'm standing there thinking about it. I take ten seconds to make the first mark, the first splash of paint, or the first stroke. Then I go ten more. Before long, I've spent ten minutes, and the picture starts becoming clearer as I go.

You can use the same approach on a difficult afternoon. You may not know how the whole day will turn out. You can still make the next mark.

Leave yourself a way back

Your mind may return to the upsetting moment. When it does, you can remind yourself of the decision you've made: “I'm going to ask about that tomorrow. Right now, I'm finishing this.”

You don't need to scold yourself for thinking about it again. Come back to the thing you chose. If the problem needs more attention, give it a specific next step.

Before you move on, finish these three sentences:

• What actually happened was…

• What I need to do about it is…

• For the next ten minutes, I choose…

For our example, that might sound like: “I saw a photograph of a gathering I wasn't invited to. I'll ask my friend about it tomorrow. For the next ten minutes, I'm finishing dinner.”

What deserves the next ten minutes of your attention?