Are You a Pleaser? Why It’s a Problem and What to Do About It

Rick Osborn
6 days ago
5 min read

Hey there! As a life coach, I’ve been diving deep with a client about what it means to be a “Pleaser”—that person who’s always trying to keep everyone happy, no matter what. Maybe you’re a Pleaser, or maybe you know one. Either way, this habit isn’t as harmless as it seems. Pleasers often end up lying to keep the peace, and that, along with other downsides like passive-aggressiveness, can mess things up. Let’s break down why being a Pleaser can be rough and share some real-talk tips for dealing with one.

Do you say "yes" when you want to say "no?"

What’s a Pleaser?

A Pleaser is someone who bends over backward to make others happy, even if it means ignoring their own needs or feelings. They’re the ones saying “yes” when they mean “no,” all to avoid conflict or rejection. Sounds nice, right? But here’s the kicker: Pleasers often lie about what they really think or want, just to be what they think the person in front of them needs. It’s not about being sneaky—it’s about survival for them, rooted in fear of not being liked or feeling unworthy.

Why Being a Pleaser Can Be a Problem

Pleasers might seem like the ultimate good guys, but their habits can cause some serious issues. Here’s why:

They Lie (Not in a Mean Way)
Pleasers aren’t out to deceive anyone, but they often lie to keep people happy. They’ll say they’re “fine” when they’re upset or agree to plans they hate, just to be what’s “required” in the moment. These little lies pile up, making it hard for anyone to know the real them—and for them to know themselves.
They Lose Their True Self
By constantly shapeshifting to please others, Pleasers can forget who they are. They’re so focused on what others want that they lose touch with their own desires, leaving them feeling empty or confused.
They Create Passive-Aggressive Drama
Since Pleasers avoid being upfront (hello, lying to avoid conflict), they often let their frustrations slip out in passive-aggressive ways. Think snarky comments, “forgetting” to do something they didn’t want to do, or giving the silent treatment. It’s their way of expressing what they’re too scared to say directly.
They are Full of Burnout and Resentment
Always putting others first is exhausting. Pleasers can feel drained or bitter when their efforts aren’t noticed, especially when they’ve been lying about their own needs to keep the peace.
They Have Lopsided Relationships
Pleasers often attract people who love being in control or taking advantage of their “whatever you want” vibe. This creates relationships where the Pleaser’s needs are ignored, which isn’t fair.
They Have Boundary Issues and Cannot Say "No."
Saying “no” is like kryptonite for Pleasers—they hate disappointing anyone, as they fear it will cast them in a bad light. This leads to overcommitting, stress, and feeling overwhelmed, which of course, reinforces all of the above points.

Are You a Pleaser?

Think you might be one? Ask yourself:

Do I say what people want to hear, even if it’s not true?
Do I feel guilty when I put my own needs first?
Do I drop passive-aggressive hints instead of being real?
Do I feel like I have to keep everyone happy all the time?
Do I even know who I am and what I want?

If this hits home, you might be stuck in Pleaser mode. Don’t sweat it—recognizing it is the first step to breaking free. If you know the truth, the "truth will set you free." John 8:32

How to Deal with a Pleaser in Your Life

Got a Pleaser in your circle—a partner, friend, or coworker? It can be tricky to navigate their lies and passive-aggressive tendencies without enabling them. Here’s how to handle it with care:

Get Them to Be Real
Pleasers lie to avoid rocking the boat, so create a vibe where they feel safe being honest. Ask stuff like, “What do you actually think?” or “Are you really okay with this?” Let them know you want the truth, not just what they think you want to hear.
Don’t Believe Everything They Tell You
The truth is, a Pleaser will likely tell you what you want to hear just to cast themselves in a good light. To come off as a "nice guy," they will likely change their stripes for the moment. When dealing with one, you should be suspicious of what they say and refer to number 1 above.
Show Them Boundaries Are Normal
Set your own boundaries to give them a model. If they’re going overboard to please you, say, “I love how thoughtful you are, but you don’t have to do all this. Let’s keep it balanced.”
Call Out the Passive-Aggressiveness
If they’re being passive-aggressive or dodging the truth, gently nudge them. Try, “I feel like you’re not saying what’s really on your mind. Can we talk about it?” Keep it chill so they don’t clam up.
Help Them Find Their Spark
Pleasers often lose track of what they love because they’re so busy being what others need. Encourage them to do things just for them, like picking up a hobby or writing down what they want.
Be Patient
Unlearning the Pleaser habit—especially the lying and passive-aggressiveness—takes time. They might feel awkward or guilty when they start being honest or saying “no.” Cheer them on for small wins, like speaking their mind or skipping a favor.

Tips for Pleasers (or If You’re One)

If you’re a Pleaser or helping someone who is, the goal is to be kind without losing yourself. Here’s how to start:

Practice Being Honest: Start small, like saying, “I’m not really into that idea, but thanks for asking.” It’s scary, but it’s better than lying to keep the peace.
Check In with Yourself: Before you agree to anything, pause and ask, “Am I saying this because it’s true, or because it’s what they want to hear?”
Ditch the Passive-Aggressive Stuff: Instead of hinting at what’s bugging you, try being upfront. It’s way less stressful than bottling it up. Being honest builds trust, forges healthier relationships, and helps people genuinely know where they stand with you. The conversations may be difficult, but the rewards are high.
Get Some Support: A coach or therapist can help you figure out why you feel the need to please everyone and how to build confidence in being real.
Celebrate Your Truth: Give yourself a pat on the back when you’re honest or stand up for what you want. It’s a big deal!

Final Thoughts

Being a Pleaser might make you everyone’s favorite, but it comes with a cost—lying to fit the moment, passive-aggressive outbursts, and losing touch with who you are. Whether you’re working on your own Pleaser habits or dealing with someone else’s, it’s all about encouraging honesty, setting boundaries, and showing up as your true self. Life’s too short to keep pretending just to make others happy!

Want to work on ditching people-pleasing or building stronger, realer relationships? Drop me a line for a coaching session. Let’s help you show up as the awesome, authentic you!